REPLY CARD ETIQUETTE: HOST EDITION
First things first, rest assured that the reply card is not a crucial part of an invitation set. That said, if you do use one, and most hosts today do, it is significant in terms of setting the tone for your special occasion.
For more on reply card evolution and what your guests expect of you, read this article on Reply Card Etiquette for Guests. Today is a new era. We are much more transparent and direct in our interactions. If you’d like a response, it’s polite to ask for one, and to go further, to make it as easy as possible to reply. In short, for many reasons, if you’d like to get a firm reply from your guests, by all means, include a reply set, reply email, or even (etiquette die-hards, earmuffs please…) a QR code. The rules of etiquette regarding the r.s.v.p. are for the very important purpose of clarity and guest comfort. To do this properly in terms of modern etiquette, follow these 5 rules:
Match the design and print style of the invitation, so your reply card doesn’t look like an afterthought.
When asking for a mailed-back reply, Include postage for social occasions, but not for charity or business events.
Pre-print the return address on the reply envelope, so it’s ready to drop in the mail.
Always leave room for the guest to write a sentence or two on the front of the card, as it is their social protocol.
Do not include information on a reply card that a guest will need to later reference.
Note that it is viewed as less sophisticated when too many questions are asked of the guest. Leave the forms for charity and professional events!
The Reply Set
Less is More
Trends come and go, but the most elegant choice in wording is always less. If you can corral your guests to provide the necessary answers to your caterer’s questions by simply writing “kindly reply” or the more continental choice “R.S.V.P.” at the bottom of your invitation, all the better. You will be trusting, however, that all your guests are socially astute enough to respond. If not, you may find yourself reaching out to the errant guest or two‑-or half of your guest list, who never responded.
Most of us prefer a social prompt. It’s safer. Enter the reply card you’ve decided to include. It can be worded in several ways, but it has some tricky moments that I am here to guide you through.
Remember two key things. First, what seems obvious to you may not be to your guests. Are they invited solo? With the family? Do they get to bring the coveted “plus one?” They will most likely assume that what you meant is what makes them feel most comfortable. Which, at best, could upset your headcount or space planning and, at worst, could be awkward when they startle you with an uninvited escort. So, it is better to make your intentions clear upfront with wording that can’t be misconstrued when read by the guest. Follow our links to specific examples. Use correct grammar. Read your card both as a single and a couple. If not, all your guests appear to be invited to bring a plus-one. For example, instead of writing “___accepts,” use “____ accept(s).”
Things like entree choice—which in today’s dietary diversity is appearing more and more, should be concise if it is needed. Other things like favorite songs are a style option totally up to you., however too many questions come across as trivial and unsophisticated. This is the key— whatever you include, leave room for that gem of a sentence or two of actual written reply. This enables the guest to do their part in the most socially astute way. Not everyone will know what’s expected, but you will most likely have at least a few cherished thoughts to send your way.
The Letter Perfect “M” Line
Ahhh… the awful “M” line, one of the worst etiquette mis-inventions to ever grace an invitation suite. It is a mass acquiescence to misunderstood formalities. The “M” line…You know, that place on the reply card that prompts your guest to write their full name, beginning with their social title—like Mr. John Smith or Mr. and Mrs. John Smith. It doesn’t address any other social titles for doctors, military, or clergy. Additionally, it has no place on an informal invitation since titles are only used formally. It neglects other needed prompts, like children’s names or your plus one. The prompt often leaves a host scrambling for more information and your guests potentially confused.. So, my advice…skip it altogether or instead ask for the names of those attending. There is an emerging trend to pre-write the guest names on each replay card. While this could be a bit pricey, it is crystal clear and could never be considered impolite.
Crunch the Numbers: Getting Non-Responders To Reply
As long as there have been occasions, this has been a problem. But there is a small step you can take at the outset that will make it easier for you at crunch time. Here’s a hosting hack…lightly number your response cards with a pencil in the lower right-hand corner on the back of each card. The number should correspond with a specific guest on a row for a spreadsheet or get a template online. You are going to need a list to organize guests’ addresses anyway, so this is worth creating. Make sure that the number on the card corresponds to the same row number on your guest list spreadsheet. This way, you can put returned reply cards in numerical order and easily see who has not replied. Then, either the host or a helper, the planner, the maid of honor, or whoever can politely call the missing guests to be sure they received their invitation—always assume the oversight was a snail mail error. Viola—finalizing the headcount is much less stressful.
Go Paperless?
OK, maybe you’re not the sentimental type… or you’d rather forgo the extra expense. There are other ways to solicit a guest’s response. On informal invitations, include more casual contact info such as phone, email, or web address, traditionally in the bottom left-hand corner of the invitation. Pick one avenue for responses that will help you keep all your replies organized for an accurate headcount. It’s fine to say something like, “Your reply by text to (a phone number) is requested by the fifteenth of June.
Digital Goes Formal
So, what about phone, email, or web responses for more formal occasions? While not traditional, these can be acceptable alternatives if you prefer a more budget-friendly or eco-chic option.
There are a few things to keep in mind. Consistency is always key. What is often misunderstood by hosts is the fact that formality is in both appearance and wording. In formal writing, numerical references are spelled out. Clearly, these modern reply methods shouldn’t be spelled out— that might look something like wearing a prom dress on a dinner date. This is why numeral-heavy content is placed on an insert card. Your formal ceremony invitation remains consistent in tone, so guests aren’t confused (yes, visual inconsistency is more disruptive than you think—I’ll cover that later), and you can still be completely modern and efficient by skipping the envelope and postage required with traditional replies.
While the reply card may seem like an unassuming little trifle, in terms of etiquette, it packs a big punch in setting the tone and manner of an affair.